My American roommate in Boston had a system: handshake everyone. Then we went to a French party, and I watched the system die in real time. The door opened, a woman he had known for four minutes leaned in, and I saw him compute, freeze, and offer his hand like a man surrendering his wallet. She took it, bemused. Somebody whispered: is he shy?
Welcome to la bise.
What it actually is
La bise is the greeting kiss — cheek to cheek, lips to air — that French people exchange with friends, family, friends of friends, aunts, and in many offices, colleagues. What it is not: romance. There is no warmth quota, no lips, no lingering. It’s a comma, not a confession.
You do it on arrival and — yes — again on departure, with everyone in the room, which is why French dinner parties have a strange, slow-motion exit ritual. Children start young, kissing grandparents with the seriousness of notaries. By adulthood, the choreography is automatic: turn, tap cheeks, switch sides, move to the next person.
The math problem
How many kisses? Two in Paris and in most of the country — but not everywhere. Parts of the south and Brittany stop at one; some regions go for three or four. There are actual academic maps of this, department by department, and families still argue about who is doing it wrong.
Which cheek first? In most of France you offer your right cheek first — in practice, your head goes left. If you get it wrong, you’ll do the awkward little double-dodge every French person has performed at least once this month. It’s a comedy beat, not a diplomatic incident.
Men, offices, and the handshake question
Do men do la bise? In families and friend groups, yes — universally so in the south and around the Mediterranean, two quick taps, no ceremony. In professional settings, the default remains the handshake, especially at a first meeting; whether an office tips into bise territory depends on the place, the age of the team, and how much wine was served at the last offsite.
Post-COVID, some offices went handshake-only. Nobody has died of formality.
How to react without dying inside
- Follow the lead. If cheeks come toward you, present yours. If a hand comes out, shake it.
- No actual kissing. Cheek to cheek, lips nowhere, sound optional and mostly theatrical.
- At a dinner party, budget for two rounds: arrival and goodbye. Yes, everyone. Yes, again.
- If you’re sick or simply not a bise person, extend your hand first with a smile and “I have a cold.” Consider yourself excused.
The cliché
French people kiss everyone with romantic flair.
Reality
No lips, no warmth, no meaning beyond hello. It's air and a light tap against a cheek. The romance is exactly zero. The choreography, however, is serious.
Questions people actually ask
How many kisses should I do?
Two in Paris and most regions. If the locals do one or four, copy them — nobody expects you to carry the map.
Which cheek do I start with?
In most of France, offer your right cheek first — your head tilts left. If you hesitate, the other person’s momentum will guide you.
Do men do la bise too?
With family and friends, yes — it’s standard in much of France. Between men in a professional or first-meeting context, the handshake is the safe default.
Do I have to la bise everyone at the party?
Yes — on arrival and on leaving. It takes ninety seconds, and it’s both the entry fee and the exit visa.
What if I really don’t want to?
Offer your hand with a smile and a reason — a cold works. It reads as slightly formal, never as an insult.